Sexual Abuse, So What?

May 25

By Amalia Maldonado

What is it?

Sexual abuse is a cultural problem, a community problem, a generational problem. It is a problem that is transferred in the way we raise our children; it is shared within families. It is fueled by our inadequate response to survivors, it grows with our lack of action and change.

Sexual abuse is an attack on the body, soul, and mind. It leaves wounds that are difficult to heal and can follow us throughout our life. Sexual abuse can happen in a lot of ways and to any person.

It happens when a child touched inappropriately by a caregiver. When a teenager is forced to give in to unwanted sexual experiences, through peer pressure or coercion. Or a college student raped at a party. It happens to an adult being constantly sexually harassed at work. These are just a few examples, and one can be as traumatizing and as painful as the other.

According to the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (www.rainn.org), an American is sexually assaulted every 68 seconds. Sixty-eight seconds! We owe it to our children, to ourselves to become educated about sexual abuse and to put a stop to it.

The Aftermath

One of the biggest problems in our society is the need to lump everyone together. While yes, there are certain patterns in our behavior and responses that help us understand when something is wrong, it is also true that we are all unique and as such, there is no one right response to sexual abuse.

As mentioned above, Sexual abuse can affect all ages and can take on many forms. Someone who experiences sexual trauma at an early age might react differently to the abuse than someone who experiences rape as a young adult.

Beyond that, everyone can react differently to a similar experience. This does not mean that one person is overreacting or that the other person liked what happened to them. It means we are different, we bring a different life history, a different set of coping skills, and support systems.

My goal in pointing this out is to caution you that though I will outline some behaviors and responses to sexual abuse, these merely serve as a guide to help you understand some of the behaviors that you might see in yourself or in someone you love.

A person who has experienced sexual abuse might:

· Have a difficult time trusting others.

· Have a difficult time becoming intimate with someone.

· Have a difficult time becoming aroused.

· Have a difficult time reaching orgasm.

· Engage in risky sexual behaviors.

· Suffer from depression or anxiety.

· Suffer from physical pain during sexual intercourse.

· Abuse drugs or alcohol.

I would like to point out that having multiple sexual partners is considered a behavior associated with victims of sexual abuse. I decided not to add it to my list above so let us talk about it. While yes, having multiple partners can be a risky behavior if you do not do it in a safe manner, I would rather not include it in the list because I feel that it contributes to “slut-shaming”. Who decides what the magic number is? I believe that including this would just add to the belief that as a woman, we should not be allowed to have more than a certain number of sexual partners.

With that being said, as mentioned above, having multiple sexual partners can be risky behavior if not done safely and for the right reasons.

A person who has experienced sexual abuse in the past, especially as a child, might feel that sex is the only way they can get someone to like them. Sex can also become a way for a victim of sexual abuse to punish themselves because they feel guilty for what happened to them.

It is also possible that a person who has multiple partners is trying to reclaim their power over their body and their sexuality. They could be trying to take back control or figure out what is good about sex. They may be searching because they feel lost, and do not know how to regain what they have lost.

However, those are not healthy ways of coping and can cause retraumatizing. When victims of sexual abuse do not have the proper support and environment to heal, the trauma can completely crush them. However, it does not have to be that way, which leads me to the next topic.

The Healing

Healing is a word that can bring peace to some and terrible anxiety to others. Healing is a process; it takes time and that at times can sound scary. Someone who has already made it through so much might not feel they have the strength to go through such an unknown process. That is why it is up to us in the family, in the community to show victims of sexual abuse that while healing may be a challenging process, they do not have to do it alone.

We hope a loved one never goes through anything like sexual abuse. Unfortunately, this is not something we can control. What we can do is make sure that they feel supported and are prepared as best as possible to embark on the journey of healing if they ever need to.

We can pave the path to healing by:

Building a trusting relationship with our loved ones. Letting our children know that no matter what they tell us we will believe them and support them. Showing that if they come to you when they did something “bad” or made a mistake you are there to help them through it not punish them. This will show your children that even when they think that what happened is their fault, they can always come to you.

When a loved one wants to talk to you about anything, listen. Give them your undivided attention. Put down the phone, look at them and listen. Do not judge them and only offer your opinion when they ask for it, sometimes all someone needs is to be heard.

Now let’s talk about what you can do if someone you love is a victim of sexual abuse.

The most important thing is to not doubt them. While there are instances when people have falsely reported sexual abuse, these cases are few and far between. It is important that you always believe your loved one. Not believing them, could cause them to lose their trust in you. It could also lead to them feeling unsupported and being retraumatized.

Do not force them to do something they do not want. Do not force someone to report a rape or to tell someone if they don’t feel comfortable. Again, doing so could add more trauma.

Provide your support as long as they need it. Understand that healing from sexual trauma is a long and difficult process. Some days your loved one might be doing great and the next they could be falling into a depression. Healing is not linear so be patient.

If you feel that your loved one needs support beyond what you can provide, don’t be afraid to provide them with the resources to seek professional help. Again, don’t force them but do help them understand the benefits.

Education

With all that being said, the best thing we can do for our loved ones is educate ourselves and our communities to stop sexual abuse. We must begin raising our children without fear and shame. We must empower our children through education and appreciation of who they are. Let’s teach our children to love their body, to be proud of their body, and to understand how their body works. Let’s teach our children that just as their body is special so is everyone else’s and as such deserve the same respect that they owe their own body.

By educating our children we will create a new generation where sex is not something that should be done with shame or taken by force, but instead, something that happens when the two people involved have full knowledge and understanding of what sex is and are 100 percent sure it is something they want to engage in.

Let’s teach our friends about consent. Let’s encourage respect and healthy relationships instead of harassment and bullying. Let’s teach our youth to use their power not to intimidate but to protect. It is up to us to empower the new generation to not rape.